We are "unfortunately" stuck in cold and grim (for ca. 10 months a year) Zurich. The picture shown was taken on Flumserberg, one of the nearest ski resorts south of Zurich. The big cloud you see is the so called Hochnebel which appears from time to time during the winter months. Since we love the sun, when hochnebel does occur it's time to seek higher ground and enjoy the clear skies above this unfortunate phenomenon.
...ok to be honest we do love Zurich, that's why we have been living here for quite some time. Moving to Zurich, the first thing I discovered was that swiss humour was not as bad as the German one, but still lacking a bit of innovation. If you do not agree with this, then this website is not for you, please watch all the videos from Mickie Krause, YOU will find that amusing, NO one else. The town is very international though so meeting people from all corners of the Earth is always pleasant.
Facts about Zurich: urbarn polulation 400,000 / suburban population: 1,2 mil / Elevation: ca. 400m above sea
...ok to be honest we do love Zurich, that's why we have been living here for quite some time. Moving to Zurich, the first thing I discovered was that swiss humour was not as bad as the German one, but still lacking a bit of innovation. If you do not agree with this, then this website is not for you, please watch all the videos from Mickie Krause, YOU will find that amusing, NO one else. The town is very international though so meeting people from all corners of the Earth is always pleasant.
Facts about Zurich: urbarn polulation 400,000 / suburban population: 1,2 mil / Elevation: ca. 400m above sea
Facts about Switzerland: Switzerland is comprised today of 26 provinces, called Cantons, 20 of them are full-cantons, the remaining 6 being half-cantons. What's the difference? Each Canton has two councillors in the Council of States, a half-Canton only has one. The Council of States therefore has 20x2 + 6x1 = 46 councillors. The half cantons are: Obwalden, Nidwalden, Basel-Stadt, Basel Land, Appenzell-Innerorden, Appenzell-Ausserorden. What was the reason of such segregation? The answer is the same for all half-Cantons: religion. Basically Catholics and Protestants didn't get along those days. Today they still don't but the situation is better.
Switzerland's history (in a nutshell):
-1291: Federal Charter (Bundesbrief) signed between three Cantons: Schwyz, Uri, Unterwalden
-1353 the three Cantons are joined with Zurich, Bern, Luzern, Zug, Glaurs forming the Old Confederacy, in German the Acht Alte Orte.
-1499 victory over the Swabian League succeeded independence from the Holy Roman Empire. Recognised officially only much later in 1648 with the Peace of Westphalia. 1648 is the main year attributed to general Swiss neutrality.
-1653 internal conflicts between Catholics and Protestants.
-1798 France conquers Switzerland, changes name to Helvetic Republic. Regime is highly unpopular by the swiss as the new Republic was now seen as a French satellite state.
-1802 French troops under Napoleon withdraw from Switzerland, signing the Act of Mediation one year later. Helvetic Republic now changed name back to Swiss Confederation, now comprised of 19 Cantons.
-1815 Vienna Congress formally recognises swiss neutrality.
-1847 unrest & civil war, called Sonderbund war, with few casualties. Results in the the 1848 Constitution, now with 26 Cantons
-1874 Revised Constitution
-1891 right to hold referendums introduced, called popular initiatives.
-1908 saw the ban of Absinthe (that was a low point in Switzerland's history)
-1971 women's suffrage in general elections finally allowed (you took your time mate!) after the 1971 referendum.
Let's cut them some slack, in Lichtenstein women had to wait another 13 year as they were only allowed in 1984 to vote for the first time!
-1991 women's suffrage in Cantonal elections allowed after a decision from the Federal Supreme Court, the last Canton being Appenzell-Inn
During the summer months we take the opportunity to escape direction south to one of our two favourite places: Canton Ticino and Lake Como. It is here where we practice our Plan A: kite surfing, on windy days, or Plan B: outdoor climbing, on calm (hopefully rain-free) days. Now that you got me thinking, we live in Zurich because it's close to Como. That doesn't make any sense! Why don't we then move to Como, you may ask? Well the so called frontaliere choose to live in Como and work in Ticino and I think it only happens in one direction.
Fact of the day: The people of Italy are not all Fops and Macaronis, let's not be naive. Most of its people will greet you with a warm welcome embracing you as if you were a childhood acquaintance. Mind you though of this over-friendliness as it may backfire on you, many of them suffer from spontaneous emotional bursts fuelled by anger management especially during road rage. You can see this by the way they drive. Don't believe me? Look what happened when a Mayor installed a speed camera at the village of Acquetico. WHAT? 58'000 speeding offenses in two weeks? Am I reading this correctly? Now let's do the maths: 58'000/14 days / 16 hour day / 60 mins = 1 offence every 15 seconds. Yes, 15 seconds! So when in Italy drink plenty of espresso, eat pizza, embrace the locals and... for the love of humanity, drive carefully.
For more information about our kite passion visit our other website: kitedudes. If you are planning in visiting us on a weekend please beware, we will be in Zurich from November to March, and in Ticino/Italy from April to October. These dates are subject to last minute change without prior notice. The reason for this is that the weather near the Alps changes faster than the mood of a woman in her menopause when asked if she prefers chocolate or a cup-cake for dessert (please don't hate me if you are a Feminazi, it's not the woman's fault, it's her hormones). These quick mood-swings of weather determines which side of the Alps we will be spending our free time. And if you complain about the weather in London, trust me you haven't lived near the Alps. I have witnessed sunny days turn into severe storms before you could say "does my bum look big in this?" while trying on my new bikini. You could be calmly swimming in the river casually splashing along and building sand-castles when this could happen due to a storm happening a few miles upstream. Two things strike with most uncertainty and unpredictability: storms and diarrhoea. Which one of these is worse, you may ask? My answer would be: all at the same time (ouch).
My first trip to Ticino consisted of a very peculiar confusion. It was nice to see Locarno, which is a place I visited every other year with my parents when I was a kid (actually I'm still a kid) till the age of ca. 15. Obviously being a kid then, I had a poor understanding of money and finances (whereas now, being an adult, I understand more about having no money nor finances). The first time I arrived at Locarno as an adult I asked myself if the currency here war Euros or Swiss Franks? Not yet having grasped that Switzerland has 4 official languages, English not being one of them, something the Swiss are very fond of, I was not sure if this was still Switzerland or was it perhaps Italy? The people seemed to talk Italian, pizza, pasta, gelato and Limoncello were everywhere, everyone said "ciao", people look Italian, but what was this peculiar place in this small corner of central Europe? Note: they did not drive like Italians, respected speed limits and pedestrians, still though talked Italian in a lively manner. I felt like being on one of those flights where it's owned by ryan-air, operated by berlin-air, managed by swiss-port, your check-in says easyjet, the airport says Milano-Bergamo, the air-hostess speaks English with a Spanish accent, they hand out free Toblerone on request, they accept euros but not dollars, and you have this burning urge to ask your neighbour "does this airoplane go to Berlin?" as if you were sitting on a bus (come on, let's admit it, it's happened to all of us). Not wanting to look like a complete idiot there was only one way to find out. I went to the first gelato place and ordered a refreshing ice-cream, to which the lady who served me requested "cinque franchi per favore" ok the currency was still Swiss Franks. That saved me from the embarrassing question: does this airoplane go to Berlin? I later found out that people from Ticino, called Ticinese, are not Italian, they are Swiss-ish..., if you call them Swiss they might correct you by saying "Svizera, Ticinese" and please do not EVER assume that they are Italian. It would be as bad as asking a Scotish guy if he feels American. Only the language is Italian. The conflict between Ticino and Italy is exactly like the one between North Italy and South Italy. It's an ongoing competition, it's as old as humanity itself and will probably never be resolved. To me the people of Ticino are 100% Italian (don't tell them I said so) because they use this distinctive and unmistakable gesture, although admittedly at a lesser frequency so let's give them some slack. Nevertheless, I was still in Switzerland... and if you are American, no they do not speak Sweedish here, sorry to disappoint. Yes, it's cold in winter, yes it snows, yes it can hail and stom in summer, yes there are IKEAs everywhere but no this is not Sweden. Don believe me? See what happened in New York here.
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Being in Ticino I decided to visit lake Como, which resides totally within Italy, and was confused again when people spoke Italian, did "the gesture", but I was now definitely in Italy so my swiss franks were deemed useless. It got even more confusing when, on the way back, I passed through Campione d'Italia. This is an enclave which is in Ticino BUT is Italian. Here one will find a casino, which is why this enclave exits. There are special laws in this place which people with lavish lifestyles make good use of. Here again you will have to use Frank.... sorry Euros. There is no official border crossing so one couldn't tell in which country they are standing in. If you don't know where you are just speak loud using your hands and pretend you are Italian just like this guy. More info about Campione here. |
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Fact of the day: look at the two phone booths below. Did you spot the difference?.... no? ok let me help you: left round vs. right square. The round phone booths started popping up around Switzerland (especially in Ticino) as soon as scientists could say "the earth is round" without laughing. Why is that, you may ask, the philosophical part of your brain now probably voluptuously stimulated? Well after years of research someone managed to give me a strange yet very plausible explanation: because Ticinese talk with their hands, they need more space to express themselves! And yes this solution works, believe you me, I tested it myself (of course I didn't make a phone call as I do own a mobile phone). Sidenote: phone booths used to be for make phonecalls. Phone booths today are used for one of the following reasons: taking a selfie, visiting Longon, rain shelter... among others, and before you know it some spoiled brat will come up to you and ask "why does a phone booth not contain a phone?".
... and now that the philosophical part of your brain is freshly stimulated I hereby present you with more Swiss facts to keep you occupied:
Q. why do trains in continental Europe drive on the right, whereas in Switzerland they drive on the left?
A. they were built by the British (told to me by a railway engineer and trust me I asked half the swiss population to find this answer)
Q. mentioning left driving, why do people in Britain (when sober) generally drive on the left?
A. goes back ro roman times, answer here.
Q. why is the swiss 50cent coin smaller than the 10 & 20cent coin? (don't believe, click here)
A. because the value of the material cannot surpass the value of the coin. The 50cent being made of a more expensive material needed to be reduced in size (at least that's what I was told by an expert, might not be totally true...).
Q. what's the meaning of life?
A. answer here (click with caution)
...ok that was a bit doushy. I'll make it up to you, click here.
Q. does this Q&A post have anything to do with Zurich?
A. no, sorry I drifted a bit there. Where waz we?
Q. why do you say where waz we? Isn't it "where were we"?
A. no, I heard it from a Londoner so it must be right.
Anyway, where waz we? Ahhhhh yes, Switzerland, the tiny little country renowned for its good chocolate, smelly cheese, legal drugs... (ok not any more) and money grows on trees. OK the last fact is not entirely true...-ish, well kind of... Actually, it's all relative. The one thing I can say is that there is an inconspicuous 1000 frank bill which can be used as legal tender, never seen it? Well now you have. I will now leave it to your own judgement if swiss pockets are loaded with bars of gold or not.
Fact of the day: 60% of the value of bankotes in circulation are 1000 note bills (article here)!
Mentioning swiss pockets, the only thing I remember seeing in my swiss-grandpa's pocket was a bogey-handkerchief (eeeew!). Yes, the previous generation would have a handkerchief in their pocket, blow their nose with it, put it back in their pocket (I am cringing as we speak...). Gladly after the invention of the disposable paper napkin our generation stopped this eerie practice.
Fact of the day: someone once told me, before I moved to Switzerland, that in order to open a swiss bank account you need at least 1 million Francs. I then remembered that my swiss grandma had opened a swiss bank account for me when I was born. I was now ever so eager to move to Switzerland and get my hands on that dirty money. I could then permanently live off the interest in the Bahamas.
The country is divided in terms of tradition and language into the following 5 main groups:
1. German speaking ca. 63% situated mainly central and East part of the country. They write german but speak swiss-german in the street, a dialect that to me, being honest, sounds more like inaudible drunk Dutch. The dialect is called Schwizerdutsch.
2. French speaking ca. 23% mainly in the West (no funny dialects spoken here).
3. Italian speaking ca. 8% mainly in the South (no funny dialects spoken here).
4. Romansh speaking ca. 0.5% mainly in the South-East in the mountains., also known as "the other language they speak in Switzerland". I'm not the one to judge but I'll just add that Romansh is like James May, also known as "the other bloke on Top Gear". The show would be just as good without him and, as mentioned, he is "the other" bloke. (no funny dialects spoken here).
5. angry foreigners who steal our jobs. That's not my personal opinion, just quoting some politicians (tonnes of funny dialects spoken here).
Fact of the day: The borders between these language-barriers have meticulous names. These are:
East-West: Röstigraben (= Rösti ditch)
North-South: Polentagraben (= Polenta ditch)
Sidenote: there are people who believe that swiss-german is an official language. They base their argument on the fact that young people write sms/emails in swiss german. Do not try to reason with these people, they are entitled to their opinion, just like the flat-earthers, so don't try to change their mind, let them be, let them live in the dark, let them co-exist and do not ever mention this fact to them ever again. We can now all live in peace. But ask them "how many official languages does Switzerland have" and they might say "4 but..." so let's just leave it there.
Each one of the four language-areas is unique. The mentality of the people is as different as their language. It's like England and Scotland. Most of the World would say they are the same but dare to mention it to them and you might get punched in the [beep] depending on your sex. Furthermore, don't even think of asking a swiss-german if he feels "German", even though his native language might be german. This is definitely a no-go-zone. It would be exactly the same like asking a Canadian if he feels American. The main difference between them? Canadians drink homo-milk and are more polite. In the 63% i.e. german-speaking part of Switzerland since people speak, as mentioned above, "drunked Dutch", they do sometimes make spelling or grammar mistakes (no one's perfect) when writing German. Their excuse when this occurs is always the same: "sorry, German is not my mother tongue". Now you can understand how different they are to the Germans.
One of the first problems I encountered in Switzerland, when my german was not that great, was that emergency signs & food ingredients of packaged food are often written in four languages, of which I could understand none (snif... life is so hard). An example was the sign "Notausgang" which I interpreted (made perfect sense at the time) as Ausgang = exit (that I knew) and not = not same as in English. I in turn interpreted the sign as stating "not-exit" which is exactly the opposite of what the sign was trying to tell me. The actual translation would be "not = emergency" and altogether "Notausgang = emergency exit". Wow, thank God there was no fire, I would have died attempting to decipher the sign while trying to understand where to go, or more likely where not to go.
Info about East Switzerland (i.e. German speaking side): the previous generation usually learned French at school (depending on the Canton) and English was not so widely spoken. Nowadays, especially with the young folk, you will find English spoken more widely than French as a foreign language. This in turn makes Switzerland of the 21st century a very peculiar place as a young person from the German side would sometimes talk/ask directions/do small talk with a person from the French side not in any of the four official languages but in a 5th language called...... English. Yes, this is how international the world has become. Of course like every non-native speaker everyone has an accent. If you get confused I suggest you use the following list of pronunciaton-tips which are widely used in the german-speaking world:
-"w" is pronounced like "v"
-"v" is pronounced like "f"
-this makes "water" spoked out as "vater", and "live tv" as "life te-fau"
-"live on ice" is pronounced "laif on eiz" yes, confusing...
-they can't pronounce "th", therefore "the" is "ze" and "this" is "zis". I heard it at Allo-Allo when a german actor said the following sentence:
"ze Gestapo vill not be pleased about zis"
-"happy birthday" is pronounced (I kid you not) "epy-pest-day" (maybe because it's the best day of the year for you, makes sense)
-"think tank" is "sink tank"
-"we are thinking" as "vi-ar-sinking", don't believe me? I have proof here.
To save you from utter confusion and, worst of all, extreme embarassment, which is what I went through when I first moved to Zurich, the following words might be of interest and in some cases life-saving. I hereby enlighten you with my free advice:
-grüezi = greetings / hello
-chuchi = kitchen (pronounced huhi)
-chuchichästli = kitchen cupboard (probably the second word everybody learns in Zurich, after grüezi)
-ich bin gsi = I was, from old german "ich bin gesein".
-ich muss go = I have to go
-I chan cha = I have had, from "ich habe gehabt".
-name = surname. Yes, name means surname, "Vorname" means name. This is the reason why every time I fill in a form I write "Name: Alex" which is followed by "Vorname", I then go back, scribble out my name at "Name" and write my "surname", then go to "vorname" and write my name (Vorname), etc. I still get confused after so many years.
-Adresse = address, spelled with one d, not two, so confusing.
-Zentrum = center (often is the "c" replaced with a "z") This in turn makes "eccentricity" written as: "Exzentrizität" & "Cell" written "Zelle".
-some idiot swapped the keys "Y" and "Z" on every keyboard throughout the whole country. Seriously, who did this? Once instead of jizz I typed jiyy... come to think of it, I'm now actually happy that typo happened! Don't believe me? click here.
-Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung = speed limit
-Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzungsüberwachungskamera = speed camera (can also be called Blitzer because Blitz = flash).
-es got mir im Arsch vorbii = if passed by my ass, meaning it goes away like a fart i.e. I don't care
-post auto = rural bus (no, not a car for the post)
-go poste = shopping for groceries (caution, it does NOT mean to go to the post office)
-go chrome = shopping for little things e.g. chewing-gum, candy etc.
-pöstli = either the post-office delivery car, or the super-market shopping trolley (depending on the circumstances).
-car = coach (NOT a car, that's why parking for coaches is called "car park", I kid you not)
-hüsli = toilette, aka dumper (not a small house)
-shiffe = heavy rain (not a ship, although a ship is called Schiff)
-gift = poison, don't believe me? click here.
-dick = fat. Yes, it does not mean that you are a dick. Actually it does not mean that you aren't one either. Don't believe me? click here.
-so what's the superlative of dick: dicker!
-Ausfahrt = please fart outside... ok that was a joke. Im means "Exit", usually at a highway offramp.
There is even a book called "Fahrt ins Glück" = fart to happiness.
-Einfahrt = please fart inside... ok that was also a joke. It means "Entry", usually at a highway onramp.
-Blitz = flash, please do not get offended when a german says "Blitz" when taking a picture. It's not Blitz, it's Blitz.
-hoarder = hamstser, don't believe? click here.
-ich verstehe nur Bahnhof = I only understand "train station" i.e. I don't speak this language, I only understand the words "train station".
-es ist mir Wurst = it's sausage to me i.e. I couldn't give a toss.
-other equally important words are found here.
[legal declaration] if this insults you, I only understand Bahnhof, also... it's Wurst to me.
Back to the subject. Living in the country of cheese, chocolate and Chuchichäschtlis, we try to make the most of what this place offers. When the sun shines we choose the outdoors and when the weather turns bad we do what every Swiss person does: play Jasskarten and drink Ovomaltine. This also means tucked under a dwarm blanket from, you guessed it, November till March. Mind you, April does not mean that spring is here. In April 2012 I was flying back from Vietnam and after enjoying the scorching sun in Saigon I stepped out of the aeroplane in Zurich in T-shirt & flip-flops, only to be greeted with snow-covered pavements. Stepping out of the train, looking down at my flip-flop covered feet, I run faster than a bank robber from the train station to my warm and cosy home.
Q. why do trains in continental Europe drive on the right, whereas in Switzerland they drive on the left?
A. they were built by the British (told to me by a railway engineer and trust me I asked half the swiss population to find this answer)
Q. mentioning left driving, why do people in Britain (when sober) generally drive on the left?
A. goes back ro roman times, answer here.
Q. why is the swiss 50cent coin smaller than the 10 & 20cent coin? (don't believe, click here)
A. because the value of the material cannot surpass the value of the coin. The 50cent being made of a more expensive material needed to be reduced in size (at least that's what I was told by an expert, might not be totally true...).
Q. what's the meaning of life?
A. answer here (click with caution)
...ok that was a bit doushy. I'll make it up to you, click here.
Q. does this Q&A post have anything to do with Zurich?
A. no, sorry I drifted a bit there. Where waz we?
Q. why do you say where waz we? Isn't it "where were we"?
A. no, I heard it from a Londoner so it must be right.
Anyway, where waz we? Ahhhhh yes, Switzerland, the tiny little country renowned for its good chocolate, smelly cheese, legal drugs... (ok not any more) and money grows on trees. OK the last fact is not entirely true...-ish, well kind of... Actually, it's all relative. The one thing I can say is that there is an inconspicuous 1000 frank bill which can be used as legal tender, never seen it? Well now you have. I will now leave it to your own judgement if swiss pockets are loaded with bars of gold or not.
Fact of the day: 60% of the value of bankotes in circulation are 1000 note bills (article here)!
Mentioning swiss pockets, the only thing I remember seeing in my swiss-grandpa's pocket was a bogey-handkerchief (eeeew!). Yes, the previous generation would have a handkerchief in their pocket, blow their nose with it, put it back in their pocket (I am cringing as we speak...). Gladly after the invention of the disposable paper napkin our generation stopped this eerie practice.
Fact of the day: someone once told me, before I moved to Switzerland, that in order to open a swiss bank account you need at least 1 million Francs. I then remembered that my swiss grandma had opened a swiss bank account for me when I was born. I was now ever so eager to move to Switzerland and get my hands on that dirty money. I could then permanently live off the interest in the Bahamas.
The country is divided in terms of tradition and language into the following 5 main groups:
1. German speaking ca. 63% situated mainly central and East part of the country. They write german but speak swiss-german in the street, a dialect that to me, being honest, sounds more like inaudible drunk Dutch. The dialect is called Schwizerdutsch.
2. French speaking ca. 23% mainly in the West (no funny dialects spoken here).
3. Italian speaking ca. 8% mainly in the South (no funny dialects spoken here).
4. Romansh speaking ca. 0.5% mainly in the South-East in the mountains., also known as "the other language they speak in Switzerland". I'm not the one to judge but I'll just add that Romansh is like James May, also known as "the other bloke on Top Gear". The show would be just as good without him and, as mentioned, he is "the other" bloke. (no funny dialects spoken here).
5. angry foreigners who steal our jobs. That's not my personal opinion, just quoting some politicians (tonnes of funny dialects spoken here).
Fact of the day: The borders between these language-barriers have meticulous names. These are:
East-West: Röstigraben (= Rösti ditch)
North-South: Polentagraben (= Polenta ditch)
Sidenote: there are people who believe that swiss-german is an official language. They base their argument on the fact that young people write sms/emails in swiss german. Do not try to reason with these people, they are entitled to their opinion, just like the flat-earthers, so don't try to change their mind, let them be, let them live in the dark, let them co-exist and do not ever mention this fact to them ever again. We can now all live in peace. But ask them "how many official languages does Switzerland have" and they might say "4 but..." so let's just leave it there.
Each one of the four language-areas is unique. The mentality of the people is as different as their language. It's like England and Scotland. Most of the World would say they are the same but dare to mention it to them and you might get punched in the [beep] depending on your sex. Furthermore, don't even think of asking a swiss-german if he feels "German", even though his native language might be german. This is definitely a no-go-zone. It would be exactly the same like asking a Canadian if he feels American. The main difference between them? Canadians drink homo-milk and are more polite. In the 63% i.e. german-speaking part of Switzerland since people speak, as mentioned above, "drunked Dutch", they do sometimes make spelling or grammar mistakes (no one's perfect) when writing German. Their excuse when this occurs is always the same: "sorry, German is not my mother tongue". Now you can understand how different they are to the Germans.
One of the first problems I encountered in Switzerland, when my german was not that great, was that emergency signs & food ingredients of packaged food are often written in four languages, of which I could understand none (snif... life is so hard). An example was the sign "Notausgang" which I interpreted (made perfect sense at the time) as Ausgang = exit (that I knew) and not = not same as in English. I in turn interpreted the sign as stating "not-exit" which is exactly the opposite of what the sign was trying to tell me. The actual translation would be "not = emergency" and altogether "Notausgang = emergency exit". Wow, thank God there was no fire, I would have died attempting to decipher the sign while trying to understand where to go, or more likely where not to go.
Info about East Switzerland (i.e. German speaking side): the previous generation usually learned French at school (depending on the Canton) and English was not so widely spoken. Nowadays, especially with the young folk, you will find English spoken more widely than French as a foreign language. This in turn makes Switzerland of the 21st century a very peculiar place as a young person from the German side would sometimes talk/ask directions/do small talk with a person from the French side not in any of the four official languages but in a 5th language called...... English. Yes, this is how international the world has become. Of course like every non-native speaker everyone has an accent. If you get confused I suggest you use the following list of pronunciaton-tips which are widely used in the german-speaking world:
-"w" is pronounced like "v"
-"v" is pronounced like "f"
-this makes "water" spoked out as "vater", and "live tv" as "life te-fau"
-"live on ice" is pronounced "laif on eiz" yes, confusing...
-they can't pronounce "th", therefore "the" is "ze" and "this" is "zis". I heard it at Allo-Allo when a german actor said the following sentence:
"ze Gestapo vill not be pleased about zis"
-"happy birthday" is pronounced (I kid you not) "epy-pest-day" (maybe because it's the best day of the year for you, makes sense)
-"think tank" is "sink tank"
-"we are thinking" as "vi-ar-sinking", don't believe me? I have proof here.
To save you from utter confusion and, worst of all, extreme embarassment, which is what I went through when I first moved to Zurich, the following words might be of interest and in some cases life-saving. I hereby enlighten you with my free advice:
-grüezi = greetings / hello
-chuchi = kitchen (pronounced huhi)
-chuchichästli = kitchen cupboard (probably the second word everybody learns in Zurich, after grüezi)
-ich bin gsi = I was, from old german "ich bin gesein".
-ich muss go = I have to go
-I chan cha = I have had, from "ich habe gehabt".
-name = surname. Yes, name means surname, "Vorname" means name. This is the reason why every time I fill in a form I write "Name: Alex" which is followed by "Vorname", I then go back, scribble out my name at "Name" and write my "surname", then go to "vorname" and write my name (Vorname), etc. I still get confused after so many years.
-Adresse = address, spelled with one d, not two, so confusing.
-Zentrum = center (often is the "c" replaced with a "z") This in turn makes "eccentricity" written as: "Exzentrizität" & "Cell" written "Zelle".
-some idiot swapped the keys "Y" and "Z" on every keyboard throughout the whole country. Seriously, who did this? Once instead of jizz I typed jiyy... come to think of it, I'm now actually happy that typo happened! Don't believe me? click here.
-Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung = speed limit
-Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzungsüberwachungskamera = speed camera (can also be called Blitzer because Blitz = flash).
-es got mir im Arsch vorbii = if passed by my ass, meaning it goes away like a fart i.e. I don't care
-post auto = rural bus (no, not a car for the post)
-go poste = shopping for groceries (caution, it does NOT mean to go to the post office)
-go chrome = shopping for little things e.g. chewing-gum, candy etc.
-pöstli = either the post-office delivery car, or the super-market shopping trolley (depending on the circumstances).
-car = coach (NOT a car, that's why parking for coaches is called "car park", I kid you not)
-hüsli = toilette, aka dumper (not a small house)
-shiffe = heavy rain (not a ship, although a ship is called Schiff)
-gift = poison, don't believe me? click here.
-dick = fat. Yes, it does not mean that you are a dick. Actually it does not mean that you aren't one either. Don't believe me? click here.
-so what's the superlative of dick: dicker!
-Ausfahrt = please fart outside... ok that was a joke. Im means "Exit", usually at a highway offramp.
There is even a book called "Fahrt ins Glück" = fart to happiness.
-Einfahrt = please fart inside... ok that was also a joke. It means "Entry", usually at a highway onramp.
-Blitz = flash, please do not get offended when a german says "Blitz" when taking a picture. It's not Blitz, it's Blitz.
-hoarder = hamstser, don't believe? click here.
-ich verstehe nur Bahnhof = I only understand "train station" i.e. I don't speak this language, I only understand the words "train station".
-es ist mir Wurst = it's sausage to me i.e. I couldn't give a toss.
-other equally important words are found here.
[legal declaration] if this insults you, I only understand Bahnhof, also... it's Wurst to me.
Back to the subject. Living in the country of cheese, chocolate and Chuchichäschtlis, we try to make the most of what this place offers. When the sun shines we choose the outdoors and when the weather turns bad we do what every Swiss person does: play Jasskarten and drink Ovomaltine. This also means tucked under a dwarm blanket from, you guessed it, November till March. Mind you, April does not mean that spring is here. In April 2012 I was flying back from Vietnam and after enjoying the scorching sun in Saigon I stepped out of the aeroplane in Zurich in T-shirt & flip-flops, only to be greeted with snow-covered pavements. Stepping out of the train, looking down at my flip-flop covered feet, I run faster than a bank robber from the train station to my warm and cosy home.
Swiss Quiz
Now that you have learnt sooooooo many things about Switzerland, it's time to take the Swiss Quiz. Please take time before answering as the pass rate is currently below 10%, which is utterly appalling if you ask me. Now take a deep breath and let's start the quiz:
Question 1: which cow do you think best represents Switzerland?
Question 2: which of the following is the flag of canton Zurich?
Question 3: did St. Bernard dogs have a barrel hanging from their neck?
Question 4: what's the name for "butter" in Zurich?
Question 5: is Munchausen a city in Switzerland?
Question 6: The UN European offices have been housed in Geneva since 1946. When did Switzerland join the UN?
Question 7: in order to divide the Federal Council between the 4 ruling parties, Switzerland uses which method?
Question 8: when did the swiss national anthem become official, bearing in mind that the Frist Treaty was signed in 1291 and that the 1st constitution was written in 1848?
Question 9: how many swiss people know the words of their national anthem?
Question 10: who was the most prominent swiss engineer?
Question 11: between 1929 and 1982 (=53 years) there were ca. 4 referendums per year, accumulating to over 200 in that period. How many of them were voted in favour, from the people voting?
Further reading:
Referendum results are at the bottom of the page here.
Referendum results for 1949 are shown here.
Question 12: what do most swiss people wear on their feet at work?
Question 13: which of the following is the flag of Canton St. Gallen?
Question 14: Macaronis originates from which country?
Question 15: the word Macaroni originates from which language?
Question 16: according to their Canton flag, where would you find bigger penises?
Question 18: a Roman walks into a bar, holds 2 fingers up and asks for:
Question 19: which civil war took place in 1847?
Question 20: what was Switzerland used as, bearing in mind that war had broken out between France, Germany & Austria in the 1800s?
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Question 21: what does the shape on the right represent? |
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Question 22: which of these would a swiss soldier refer to as a "Giant"?
Question 23: which of these would a Greek mum refer to as a giant?
Question 24: what would a swiss mum read to her kids when growing up?
Question 25: Globi the little blue bear was once accused of being...?
Question 26: what would a swiss mum feed her teenage brat for breakfast?
Question 27: what is Lake Luzern called in German?
Question 28: Lake Geneva (which also touches Lausanne) in French is called:
Question 29: what do they call a ladybird in Bern? (hint: Käfer = bug)
Question 30: what does duumä-drüllä mean?
Question 31: what's the most widely-spoken language in Zermatt?
Question 32: what is the name of the national football league of Switzerland?
Question 33: if you want to dump responsibility onto someone else you would be giving him:
Question 34: the swiss passport is red. What influenced its design?
Question 35: why is the swiss flag square?
Question 36: the shape of the swiss flag at the Olympics is?
Question 37: what about the olympic flag of Nepal?
Question 38: the Swiss flag is a symbol of high quality. How long did the largest Swiss flag ever made (80x80m) survive the outdoors?
Question 39: the flag of the swiss navy (Flage am See = flag of the sea) is?
don't believe me? Check the official website here.
Question 40: the flag of the Swiss Coat of Arms is?
Question 41: the flag of the swiss air force is?
Question 42: the flag of the swiss confederate forces (1420s) was?
Question 43: The flag of the Helvetic Republic (1798-1803) was?
Question 44: OK so the swiss national flag is red & white and has been square from 1803 onwards.
When was the size of the cross standarised?
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Question 45: the flag to the right represents the nautical club of? |
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Question 46f: the flag on the right represents what? |
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Question 47: what would you call a dictionary of the swiss-german dialect?
Question 48: what's the swiss colloquial word for naked?
Question 49: who coined the name "Swiss army knife"
Question50: in the Cantons do they speak Cantonese?
Question 51: in which of these countries were women first allowed to vote?
Question 52: Albert Schweizer, the doctor in Africa, had what nationality?
Question 53: Ovomaltine is a....?
Question 54: Toblerone is a...?
Question 55: The shape of Toblerone was inspired from:
Question 56: looking closely at the Toblerone logo, one can depict the shape of what animal?
Question 57: if you were to lay all the Toblerones produced in one day, how long would they stretch?
Question 58: Is chocolate Swiss?
Question 59: Is shoe company K-Swiss, Swiss?
Question 60: was Herni Nestle, the founder of Nestle, Swiss?
Question 61: was the instigator of modern Swiss independence and neutrality actually Swiss?
Question 62: are cuckoo-clocks Swiss?
Question 63: is Florence in Switzerland?
Question 64: is Swiss-roll Swiss?
Question 65: is Swiss-Air Swiss?
Info: also called the flying bank.
So what is actually Swiss?! Well none other than synthetic LSD, Velcro, the shape of the Alien, the anti-powerpoint-party and lots of banks! OK, among lots of other things... of which the most notable are:
-the world wide web at CERN
-the Red Cross
-the bobsleigh
- the Turbocharger
-second winter Olympics held in St. Moritz in 1928, after the first Olympics in Chamonix in 1924.
-disgusting instant coffee under the brand name Nescafé, invented by Max Morgenthaler at Nestlé.
-smelly cheese soup called fondue (chocolate fondue is an American imitation, just like hawaiian pizza)
-retractable pocket knives, namely Victorinox and Wenger.
-potato peeler, named Zena Rex peeler
-improvement of the Zipper.
-and last, and most favourite to all greek mums (after the taperwear) is none other than the cover of taperware, i.e. Cellophane.!
OK, you have been doing overwhelmigly bad in the above test. I recommend you do the following things to boost your knowledge.
-read Mr. Tibbs goes to Switzerland
-read Asterix in Switzerland
-watch Heidi cartoons
-wear shoes with Velcro in the streets
-wear adiletten at work
-eat plenty of cheese fondue and Toblerone
German Quiz
Now that you have learnt so much about Switzerland, let's see how good your knowledge lies with Germany, to prove that you are not thaaaaat illiterate. Now take the Quiz:
Question 1: What's the German word for the "beef labelling law"? (hint: beef = Rind)
Question 2: What do you call gums (in the mouth) in German?
Question 3: how many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Question 4: what comes between fear and sex?
Question 5: what do Americans call table football?
Question 6: what's funnier than a German
Question 7: the name "German" was made popular by?
Question 8: in medieval Italy, Germans were?
Question 9: in German, what's a Waschbär? (hint: Wasch = wash, bär = bear)
Question 10: in German, what's Waschbar?
Question 11: what do you call a tool in German? (hint: zeug = thing)
Question 12: what do you call a wrench in German?
Question 13: what do you call a pencil in German?
Question 14: what do you call a pen in German?
Question 15: what do you call a vacuum-cleaner in german?
Question 16: which of the following songs is better?
Question 17: what do the Brits call the Germans:
Question 18: what's the most common name for a German porn star?
Question 19: in Germany what's a Fanny?
Question 20: in Germany, what's a Wank?
Question 21: in Austria, what is Fucking?
Question 22: what's the most common opening scene for German porn?
Question 23: Mozart's full name was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. What does Wolfgang mean?
Question 25: Germans wear leather sandals with white socks even in the hottest summer days because they...?
Question 26: what's the trick for traditional Lederhosen when drinking beer at Oktroberfest?
Question 27: do Lederhosen involve socks pulled up to the knee?
Question 28: you immigrated out of Germany and deleted all your contacts on your phone. Your phone now is:
Question 29: are roads in Germany made of chocolate?
Question 30: in the Oktoberfest you would drink beer from a...?
Question 31: Oktoberfest takes place mainly during the month of...?
Question 32: the language borders in Switzerland are called Polentagraben and Röstligraben (graben = ditch).
What is the border called between Bavaria and the rest of Germany?
Question 33: if you are a bad boy what will Max & Moritz do to you?
Question 34: what did Heinrich Hoffmann write?
Question 35: in Germany if you suck your thumbs, what would your mum do to you, according to Heinrich Hoffmann?
Question 36: in the story of Hoffmann "the wild hunter", who threatens the hunter?
Question 37: in German a boogy-man is called a...?
Question 38: Mohrenkopf is a German chocolate marshmallow. It's now called Chocokiss because of its racist nature. Who patented it?
Question 39: in your opinion, German humour is:
Question 40: after this questionnaire do you still believe that germans have a bad humour?
let's not be so prejudiced, germans can be funny. Hey, the even have Fanny Chmelar! So if you ever go to Octoberfest and get drunk on beer with the Germans, don't forger to raise your Mass and sing along to this song.
To boost your knowledge about Germany, we recommend you read the following books:
Mein Krampf
Struwwelpeter
Struwwelhitler
Max & Moritz
Further reading: Why people think Germans aren't funny
Mein Krampf
Struwwelpeter
Struwwelhitler
Max & Moritz
Further reading: Why people think Germans aren't funny
OK let's give you another chance to redeem your IQ. Answer the following questions, you might be cleverer than you think that we think that your cleverness thinks how much you think that you think when thinking... (did you get that?). Let's start with the General Quiz.
General Quiz
Question: Who won the 1949 Eurocup in Basketball?
Question: when did the national team of the Vatical play its first football game?
Question: French toast originated in:
Question: French fries originated in:
Question: French dip originated in?
Question: Chinese fortune cookies originated in?
Question: Jazz music was brought to France in WW1 by:
Question: pepperoni pizza originated from:
Question: hawaiian pizza originated from which nation:
Question: Hawaiian toast originated in...?
Question: the term "French kissing" originated from:
Question: the chef of the famous "Russian Salad" originated from which nation?
Question: the famous "Caesar Salad" was first made in?
Question: how long is the three-mile island?
Question: how many columns does the "40-column palace" have?
Question: could you buy a Mackintosh in the Victorian era (1800 to 1900)?
Question: how many people have died as a result of a venomous spider in Australia in the last 40 years?
Question: how many people have died as a result of a venomous snake in India in the last 40 years?
annual deaths, article here.
Question: which of these places did Homo Sapiens reach first?
now let's brighten up your day with a few Bar Jokes:
- a horse walks into a bar, and the barman says: what's with the long face?
- a horse walks into a bar, the barman says "hey", the horse says "you read my mind"
- a dyslexic walks into a bra
- five Lumberjacks walk into a bar, one of them holds up 3 fingers up and says:
Last Question: An Alpaca walks into a shop, holds up one paw up and says:
